Sunday, October 30, 2005

Day One Soon To Come (Detour 1)

Tomorrow is actually the Official Day One. This is just an overview to bring everything up to date.

Friday
Friday was my "ultimate test" for my new job. I am a store manager for Pizzano's Pizza. They have 4 locations currently. The locations are in Powell by the zoo; Polaris off of Cameron Ave. I think it is; one in Westerville somewhere; and there is one on Sawmill by the Iacono's across from Home Depot. This is a wonderful opportunity for me. After working in the pizza industry for over 4 years now, it is about time I make some excellent money at. There is also a lot of room for additional advancement and money. Go me!

Friday night we had our Second Annual Halloween Party. The night overall was very good. There were quite a lot of people here and of course I was making jokes and entertaining the crowd as I do wherever I am. Steve, Emily, and I did get some singing in too. We didn't sing a lot because we were definitely a little too inebriated to continue without cracking up laughing. There was some drama that went down at the end of the night. But it is for the better now, and I know my roommate definitely will be happier in the long run.

Saturday
Saturday night was my last night at Minelli's. I will miss them all. Eric (Bone), Nate (The Whorley), Joe (Tuna Boat???), and Kari (I don't think we had any nicknames for her) will all still be my hommies.

Saturday night there was a Halloween party at Wall Street. Of course Steve, Pete, and I; or should I say Superman, Green Lantern, and Batman respectively; made an appearance there. They had a costume competition which we did not win because partially of my fault. The he/she that was on stage trying to "poke fun" at everyone, but failed miserably, did not like what I had to say when we got up on stage. "It" asked me why we should win the contest. To which I responded, "Because we make this look good, unless anyone else here." "It" said that what I said was not a good enough reason and asked me for something else. To which I responded, "Because we have balls, and we are not afraid to show them." The crowd of over 1500 people (the number of people in attendance according to the front door people) went nuts laughing and clapping. But "it" was pissed off and did not have anything in response to say to my insult. Here we were standing on stage next to a "dude" who is wearing a brown colored female wig and wearing a "mid drift" Dallas Cowboys cheerleader costume. "It" was not good looking at all or funny. I made jokes the whole night about "it" and once we got on stage could not hold back long enough.

(As a side note: I have nothing against anyone who wants to tape their balls up to there butthole to try to "appear" to be more like a girl. But when you are not funny and you try to "dog" everyone; do not be surprised when it comes back in your face. Hypocrites suck.)

Sunday
Well today is Sunday and I think I will just take it easy today. I officially start my new job tomorrow and I think I just need some time to relax. There will definitely be more posts about the job as things gone on.

Next Topic: Day One

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Prelude To Day One

After looking over my own personal behavior patterns, habits, like and dislikes, moods, emotions or lack there of, and other things that I do or don't do; I have come to the conclusion I am either crazy or normal. I think, based on being around crazy people alot (i.e. Pete's brother and mom), that perhaps I am not crazy, but I just change a lot because I can.

I have noticed that from time to time I have almost a mood swing. I would not say that I was bi-polar becasue I do not have really high highs and really low lows; the changes are not as drastic. I do know that there has been many things going on over the past few days; heck the past few years; that have kind of added to my real stress and my "self-inflicted" stress. But all in due time I think I should be able to get things worked out.

I also have a tenedency to set goals that are realitvely reasonable, but yet I do not seem to accomplish them. I think that I have ADD, but the more I look at why it might be it seems that I appear to set too many goals. Rather then set a few major goals and some short-term goals, I tend to set 15 or 20 right now goals. Which is causing me to overextend myself and what I want or need to do; and therefore, causing a lack of 110% completion on these "projects".

Another problem which I think I will always be stuck with and I always have had, is over analyzing everything. Ninety percent or more of things that I do I think very thourghly about them. I tend to ruin fun or exciting things in my life, because I think too much about the Pro's vs. the Con's. Allthough, at certain times this is a good thing right now it is probably becoming a downfall. But again, I recognize that I have this problem and I should over analyze the fact that I over analyze. (Wow. If people did not think there was something wrong with me before, then they do now.)

This is what I have decided to do and I am making a goal list which I will post in front of my face so I see it everyday. This way I will force myself to unconcisouly (hopefully) accomplish the things I want or really need to do now. No more side tracks, detours, or having 40 things to all get accomplished by the end of the week. I am human, not a robot. After I compile my list I will post it on here so as to get some feedback and or suggestions. (Although I might have to edit some stuff out. But I am not sure yet.)

Anyways, enough rambling on, since no one reads this stuff anyway. I will blah, blah, blah, blah, and make sure everyone knows about it. Ok?

Next Topic: Day One Soon To Come (Detour 1)

Tired of Being Sorry (not the excellent song by Ringside)

Ok. I actually was not honest with you. This post is about the great song "Tired of Being Sorry" by Ringside. But it is also about other songs too. Here is just a brief list of some songs that over the past few days (since Friday night) that I have been listening too. These songs are sad and depressing; but they also have hidden meanings and can be empowering. This is just a brief list considering I have over 8,000 songs on my computer. But these are the ones that right now seem to be describe some of the "various" emotions and feelings that are going on through my head.

The following songs are in no particular order of favorites or not. I feel that these songs help me just "feel" right now. The only reason I put this on here is because I am always looking for new music ideas from other people and I like to see what other people listen too also. This way I can, in a way, give back to those who I have taken the same music ideas from. (This is currently labeled as the Break-Up-Mix on my computer for no particular reason other than the songs tend to be more about love, sadness, and getting even with people. The title random sad songs would have worked too.)

Artist -- Title
Ringside -- Tired of Being Sorry
Dashboard Confessional -- Hands Down
Staind -- Zoe Jane
Richard Marx -- Right Here Waiting
Staind -- Right Here Waiting
Ben Harper -- Another Lonely Day
Ben Harper -- She's Only Happy in the Sun
Incubus -- Talk Shows On Mute
Nickleback -- Photograph
Greenday -- Wake Me When September Ends
Three Days Grace -- I Hate Everything About You (Why Do I Love You?)
Snow Patrol -- How To Be Dead
HIM -- Wings of a Butterfly
Black Label Society -- In This River
My Chemical Romance -- Helena
Edwin McCain -- Sorry To A Friend
Tony Rich Project -- Nobody Knows
Richard Marx -- Now and Forever
Enigma -- Once in a Lifetime
Audioslave -- What You Are
Breaking Benjamin -- Rain
Breaking Benjamin -- Sooner or Later
Verve Pipe -- Freshman
Blink 182 -- Adam's Song
Michael Bolton -- How am I Suppose to Live?
Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville -- I Don't Know Much (But I Know I Love You)
Expose -- I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)
Foreigner -- I Want To Know What Love Is
Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram -- Somewhere Out There (for some reason this has been my all time favorite "sad" song since I was a kid)
Heart -- These Dreams
Bonnie Tyler -- Total Eclipse of the Heart
James Ingram -- I Don't Have the Heart
Cher -- Strong Enough

Okay. I know there are probably some "mis-titles" or "mis-authored" songs listed above. But to the best of my knowledge those names are accurate. You should also notice that it is quite a mix of different genres and time periods of music. I enjoy all types of music, but I seem to notice that music from the early 90's or anytime in the 80's seem to best suit my "sadder" moods. Let me know what you think and if you have any song suggestions of any type feel free to let me know.

Next Topic: Day One

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Changes in the Making

There are many things going on right now in my life. But aren't there always a lot of things going on in other people's lives too? Anyway, I have gotten a lot accomplished this week and am still working on some more stuff.

From Sunday night on I have done a lot of "productive things". My room is spotlessly clean; all my clothes are clean, folded, sorted, and put away; I also sorted through my clothes and got rid of a lot of "out-of-fashion" gear; and I have made excellent progress in the job hunting. Although I still have not started working yet, by Monday I am determined I will start a job that I like. Unfortunately, after waiting three weeks with very little money, I am behind a little. But I will get caught up as soon as I get my first check.

Friday night will be the beginning of a hopefully relaxing enjoying weekend. Halloween party in Grove City. We are having a party and supposedly (according to the roommates) there is going to be some 50 people here. Wow, what fun. I think that it will be a good fun time. A time to forget about things, people, or whatever the case may be and just relax.

"Sometimes you don't know what you have until it is gone." I don't know who said that, but I agree with them 100% based on things that have recently happened. There are so many things that I want to say, but I can not bring myself to same them. Many times I just want to got out and scream at the world and let the world know my anger and sadness. But yet I know it would be pointless do any of these things. What do I do then? Is there a way that is better to deal with these things then anger or sadness? Well, I guess I can just say screw it all. Try to move on or try to build something back up. I just need to figure out what I want to do. I have never been one to believe in "breaks". If an employer where to inform me that I was on a "break" with them, I would go out and find a new employer. There would be no other options I could see in my mind. I do not want to find a new "employer". I care too much for the original one.

Also, whoever said, "Sometimes when you love something so much, the only thing you can do is to let it go. If it was meant to be it will work it out and things will be fixed." (or however it goes); they were very wise also. I never really though deep into those quotes except for on the "obvious" surface level. But now I can see what they were probably going through at the time that they said that. Maybe no one originally said those lines, but along with everything else we have "learned" in this world, it might have been preprogrammed in our heads too.

Either way I agree with those quotes, mottos, or sayings. The only one I do not agree with is,"It is better to have lost and loved, then to have never loved at all." I guess maybe because I have up until recently lived my whole life with out that love that I originally agreed with that. But now I realize that some things in life are worth not going through.

(But still I do not want to let you go. But I am torn about what to do.)

"Remember America, I am looking over your shoulder. But only because I got your back." - The Colbert Report -- my new motto for life

Next Topic: Tired of Being Sorry (not the excellent song by Ringside)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sad or Break Up Songs

This is a just a list of some of the songs that I listen to when I am sad. These songs can inspire me, make me cry (as they do are doing now), or just keep you in the "blah" mode. It helps me to listen to theses songs right now. But unfortunately, I think it might just be making things worse.

Title --- Artist

Tired of Being Sorry --- Ringside
Hands Down --- Dashboard Confessional
Zoe Jane --- Staind
Right Here Waiting --- Richard Marx
Here Waiting --- Staind
Another Lonely Day --- Ben Harper
Photograph --- Nickelback
Wake Me When September Ends --- Greenday
I Hate Everything About You (Why do I love you?) --- 3 Days Grace
How To Be Dead --- Snow Patrol
Wings of a Butterfly --- HIM
Helena --- My Chemical Romance
Sorry To A Friend --- Edwin McCain
Nobody Knows --- Tony Rich Project
Now And Forever --- Richard Marx
Once In A Lifetime --- Enigma
What You Are --- Audioslave
Rain --- Breaking Ben
Sooner Or Later --- Breaking Ben
The Freshman --- Verve Pipe
Everything I Once Had --- The Honorary Title
How Am I Suppose To Live Without You --- Michael Bolton
Don't Know Much (But I Know I Love You) --- Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville
Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone) --- Cinderella (the band not the movie)
I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me) --- Expose
Dance With My Father Again --- Luther Vandross (thanks Pete...)

There are many other songs that I have been listening to also. But I can't write anymore. Back to the music and tears.

Next Topic: ???

Crying

There is nothing I can write here. Nothing that would change anything. I have destroyed something I did not even know I had. I do not think I will ever get another chance to tell you how I feel. I have not cried in almost 9 years. I would not let myself do it. I have hidden all my emotions and can not do it anymore. Sometimes you never realize what you have until it is gone. There is no point in anything anymore.

Although, I would give everything I have to make things better or to fix the things I have destroyed, I think that I have ruined it all forever. I think this is where I am suppose to move on and try to get over things. I do not want to. All I want is you.

I do not know if there will be anymore posts. I do not know if I will still be the same again. I do not know what will happen. I lost the only thing that I wanted. That was you.

Song I am listening to right now: "Tired of being sorry" by Ringside and "Everything I own" by Bread.

Next Topic: ???

Crying

The last time I have "allowed" myself to cry I was 12 years old. At the time in my life, everything I knew was destroyed. Everything I had gone. In a minutes, hours, a day, everything was completely different. Since then I was tired of crying. I was tired of "feeling" anything at all. I suppress all of my emotions and numb myself to the world and "reality". Until the past two days.

I can no longer hide how I feel. I can no longer think logically about things. I did not realize what was going on inside of me and what I was doing till I hit "rock bottom". The one time, more than any other time in my whole entire life, I did not know what to do. Someone poured there heart out to me, and I did not know what to say, what to do. I can not live with myself for what I did.

It is said that you don't know a good thing till it is gone. That is an under statement in this situation. I did not know the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life, till she was gone. I look now at what I did (or lack there of is more appropriate), and I wish with every ounce of being to change what happened. To allow myself to realize in the past, earlier, what I now realize and have ruined. This is why I should never ever have anything good in my life. I always ruin it. If there was anyway at all I could fix things and show how I absolutely terrible I feel, I would give up everything I own.

But it is too late for that. I have ruined everything. There is no point in anything. All I can do is cry. I have not cried since I was 12 years old. The only thing going through my head is you; and how different my life will be without you. I do not want to loose you. Why I could say this or show you before? I do not know. I can not keep on apologizing when I know it will not fix anything. All I can do, is try to move on. Try to hope for a second chance. Try to make things right. I do not think I will have another opportunity to justify and let you know the way I feel. That time has seem to come and pass.

I do not know what else to write. I do not know what to do. All I know is there is one thing I want more than anything in my life, that is you. When there is something you want more than anything you have ever wanted before, it is incredibly painful and hurtful to know you can't. I now know what how it must have made you feel when you told me the same things that I have said here. But yet all I did like the "fucking piece of shit I am" is nothing.

I do not know what will happen with anything. I do not know if I will on here anymore, if I will continue to exist as I am now. Only time will tell.

"If I could find your face I would kiss you. I would show you and tell you how I truly feel."

Next Topic: Untitled

Friday, October 21, 2005

Yet Another Project

Ok. This is going to be short, sweet, and to the point.

The project is under way with the very first column about Relationship Advice. It is called 7 Signs of Cheater. All the articles that I write on there are my own; except where otherwise noted. The articles are all things that I have come to the conclusion about research I have done. Although there is a lot of "my opinion" in there, I would like you to understand again; I offer my advice only to guide you to find the right answers. Although I am sure I will get plenty of people saying things like, "What do you know?", "Why should I listen to you?", and "F#$% You!". But, just like everything else that is on the internet, on tv, or in the paper if you don't like what you see stop reading or watching it.

The site is called Keeping It Real. The site is currently on a temporary server till I can get the proper setup at my house to allow my own server to run. But until then, here is the web address.

Keeping It Real

Next Topic: Crying

Thursday, October 20, 2005

What Next You Ask?

The biggest question on everyone's mind I know. What am I going to do next?

First, I think I need to state what I am doing now. Currently, I am "under-employed". I am still managing to pay my bills, sort of, by working at Minelli's Pizza two nights a week and helping my mother clean houses (which is what she does for a living). I am working on some school stuff to acquire some certifications I need; which include, but are not limited to an A+ Certification. I have also made up my mind about some other things that I have been debating for a little while. But that follows under "What's Next" so we will continue that now.

What's next? You read this much and still want to know? I am impressed. Okay. I am still going to work on fraXure; but in addition to that I have decided to either write a book or an advice column or forum. I think I will start with a column or forum to try to have more information for the book. The main or at least the first topic is going to be about relationships. The Do's, Dont's, What to Look For, How To Meet The Right Person, How To Open Your Eyes To Reality, and other topics I'm sure. The reason I want to write about this topic is because I have been there before, but also I have done tons of research (it can be measured in months actually) and think that there needs to be a place where people can find "sound advice" all in one place. Again, however, I would like to mention that I do not and will not claim to be an expert on anything or that I know everything; but with what I do know and what I have found out from others who know, certain things that I think will help people in their relationships. But I will keep things up to date and a link also on here so those of you who might be "obsessed" with me (which I have no problem with stalkers as long as they don't kill or kidnap me) can keep up to date.

The forum will probably be up later tonight at least on it's temporary site until my server is back up and running. But I think I am going to this post with a quote I feel best suits the things I am thinking about right now.

"People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction."
-- James Baldwin

Next Topic: Yet Another Project

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Call Me Minister or Reverend David

It is official. Ladies and Gents, I am now officially an Ordained Minister and Reverend! No joke, I am 100% serious. From now on I wish that you would to refer to me as Minister, Pastor, or Reverend David. Even though there are too many David's, there is now only one that I know of that is a Reverend and a Minister. Just more things I can ad to my resume.

As a Minister and Reverend I am allowed to do the following:

- Perform marriages within any US state, following the rules laid out by the state in which the marriage is being performed.

- Perform funerals, baptisms, last rights, or any other sort of legal ceremony or ritual I wish to perform, except circumcisions.

- Start a church of my own, be it a bricks and mortar building or on the internet.

- To absolve others of their sins as I have been absolved of mine.

If you know anyone getting married or any of the other above mentioned things let me know and I would be glad to offer my services.

Next Topic: What Next You Ask?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Weekend Comes to an End

Well the weekend has ended. In fact as I am writing this the time is 12:09 am, so I geuss Monday is here.

This was one of the best weekends I have had in quite awhile. After a crazy week with funerals, job hunting, and the last few days of pizza delivery; things felt a little stressful. It was good to take the weekend off and spend some time with my current most favorite person in the world. I hope she isn't upset because I tried to help her bleach her hair, which I have done tons of times to me and my roommates. But this was the first time I had ever done it to a girl's hair, it is very much different because most girls have a lot longer hair then guys do. But it still came out allright I think, hopefully she does too.

I wasn't lazy all weekend, I still got a lot accomplished. I cleaned my room, still in the middle of it now; but got a little distracted. I got some good books from the library to do some "research" on some things for school stuff and what not. (I use the term "research" because I already know the stuff I just want to make sure I know everything I need to. I have never studied for anything in my life, and I don't plan on starting now.) I also applied at a few more places and sent out a few more resumes. I feel a little bit more accomplished after this weekend.

Tomorrow (or today I geuss since technically it is Monday) I will find a job I know it. I just don't want it to come to the point where I am taking a job just to work. I would really like to at least find something that I want to do where there might be advancement. But we will see what happens.

Next Topic: Call Me Minister or Reverend David

Randomness

The following is a story I apparently wrote back in the 10th grade. It is amazing what you might come across when you clean your room. I am unpacking stuff finally after living in this house for a year and a half now. I will just be copying word for word what I previously wrote. The story is very graphic and does contain adult situations.

***Precaution: For those people who might have a problem or issue with anything, they probably should not read the following story. The following story is very graphic and in it's original context and format. The only reason that this story is on here is so that I can one day look back and see what I use to write about and how my writing once was. All spacing, words, and context is all still in original form except now it has been spell and grammar checked now.***

A Walk On The Beach

As we walk along the beach holding hands and talking about how wonderful the sun set was, she stops right in front of me.
"This has been a wonderful evening," she says with a twinkle in her eye.
She kisses me softly on the lips. As I kiss her back, she pushes her body up against mine and I know what she wants to do.
I start to unbutton my shirt and she reaches for my pants. She gently rubs her hand along my bulge making me extremely excited. As I throw my shirt down on the ground she drops and steps out of her dress gently kicking it away.
She unbuttons my pants and pulls them down with one hand, while the other hand lovingly caresses my stiff hard on. She begins to take me into her mouth and I gently caress her head. Then she lays down on the beach and I go down and gently kissing her I work my way down her body with my tongue and lips. As I reach her stomach I slipped two fingers inside her. I move my fingers gently massaging her, until she reaches her most pleasurable spot.
I tease her with my tongue, then I plunge my face against her licking her till she reaches her climax. I then laid down on, my back and she climbed on top of me and slowly let me slip inside her. As she slowly begins to ride me I caress her whole body, paying special attention to her mounds.
As she starts riding me faster and harder I slowly bring her lips to mine, and kiss her more passionately than I ever thought possible.
We both get closer and closer to orgasm. I release my load as she finally reaches her climax again. We kissed each other and cuddled under the stars till morning.


The previous story was a story again that I wrote back in the 10th grade. Seeing as the dates of the other papers in the notebook I came across were during that time frame. Please remember, the only reason this story is on here is for purpose of personal preservation to keep such things for ever to always look back on them.

Next Topic: The Weekend Comes to an End

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Realist or a Fatalists?

Okay, there has been some questions that have risen from what I have written on here regarding my views and outputs on things. I hope this will answer the questions.

Q) Money is the secret to happiness.

A) Money is not the secret of happiness. Everyone wants money and needs money in order to provide for themselves and others. I don't want to be a millionaire. Don't get me wrong that would be awesome if I was, but realistically it might not happen for some time. Also chances are I am not going to find a $30 an hour or more job currently with the knowledge I have and the work experience I have. I would like to find a job, more preferably a career, where I am doing something that I like. I would take a job doing something I know that I could advance in that is tailored more towards what I like, then even an $8 hour job at McDonald's. It also has nothing to do with title, because a rational person understands that everyone has to pay bills, so sometimes a job is a job. As you can ask a lot of people that know me really well, I tend not to stick with jobs that I don't care for because I am not happy or even content.

Q) I am in "love".

A) Again, as anyone who knows me really well, knows that I am either not capable or will not allow myself to become a "victim" of the over-used, unmeaningful word "love". Don't get me wrong I am not saying that I do not care about the person I am seeing right now. I care very much for Karen, and I would wish nothing but good things for her and to her. I would bend over backwards to help her if she ever needed anything. But people need to realize that society in general over uses and has changed the meaning of that word. Which is why I very rarely say that word about anything. As I was told when I was younger, "You love people. Not things or actions." More people should follow that so the word goes back to it's original meaningful meaning. They should stop saying things like, "I love football!" or "I love this song!". But in the desensitized, "through sickness till death do us part...or divorce" world we live in I don't see that happening for a very long time. Just so you know "If I could find your face, I'd kiss you!" is just a small way that condones how I feel about her, I don't think I should have to "jump on the bandwagon" and say "I love you" when in actuality that would say that I might care for her as much as the next person who "loves football". I think she knows (at least I hope) that I do care for her very, very much) This is not the case, feelings are stronger than any "love" or passion for a game, a thing, or a song.

Q) I am a fatalist.

A) Perhaps I am. But I don't think so. I have a curse, a problem, a gift, whatever you want to call it, where I over analyze everything. I am always thinking everything through over and over again through all possibilities. This is goes hand and hand with my humor. Everytime someone says something or I see something I am always racking through my brain as fast as possible to come up with a joke or a twist to get a laugh. If anything I might be an attention whore. The fact I do this brings me much unhappiness because even the smallest things, almost everything I do, I loose interest in or I make boring. Through over analyzation of everything either for a joke or to play out all scenarios, I ruin normal "fun" things for me. I am working on it, but it is more a less second nature for me and it is one hell of a bad habit to try to kick.

Next Topic : Randomness

Anti-civilization At It's Finest

The world that we live in today; well more or less Western civilization as we know it; has stood with the same values since the beginning of our "democracy". We have political scandals; "truths" which is different than honesty; armed branches of government that probably should not have a need to be armed (i.e. IRS, FDA, et al.); corruption at all levels of the government from township or cities to federal and higher. To think with all the advancements of technology we still to this day do not have all the answers we are looking for. In fact we are actually, in my mind, regressing instead of progressing through our beliefs and values. As time passes the more I see the true world as it is. There is violence, corruption, sex, and profanity every where you go. What has come of morals and values? It's time to open your eyes. The world we live in that we created and we will be the ones to destroy it is not as great as it might seem. That is why we live in an "anti-civilization". This is a civilization that does not seek to actually help others and to progress man's knowledge in medical advancements, science, and the overall welfare of society. Rather than actually find answers to what causes different cancers, we focus more on spending billions of dollars on funding to find treatments and "supposed" cures that usually end up killing people. Although there are a lot of diseases we do know what they are caused by, we don't focus enough on prevention and proper knowledge to avoid those things so they don't become an issue. Until we all open our lives to honesty and not just listen to "truth" we will end up destroying ourselves and others with us.

As I mentioned earlier there is a difference between "truth" and "honesty". Truth is stating some facts about an issue or topic in which provides valued answers. Honesty is stating all the facts that surround issues or topics that answers all questions and all answers are valid. For example, when our country asked our government, "Are or were there aliens in Area 51?" they told us the truth. There were no aliens in Area 51. They were truthful, but not honest. They would be honest if they said, "There are not and were not aliens in Area 51; but there are aliens over here in this area no one knows about Area 61 if you will." (I do not want to get into a whole heated debate about the existence of whether or not aliens exist or whether or not they have made contact with us or if the government knows about them and is "hiding" something from us. But I did want to use that as an example to display the different meanings of "truth" and "honesty" because that is a "story" or situation a lot of people know about and can relate and pull the meaning away from the story. So before you all send emails to me regarding the "facts" about Area 51 and existence of aliens or lack there of; please keep in mind what I just said.)

Next Topic: Realist or a Fatalists?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Let There Be Light

(To those of you who had noticed and responded or read the previous post I had written and then promptly removed the next morning, please disregard what you read and my deepest apologies are sent out to those that were effected by it. (Again, I am sorry I am a "poo-poo head".))

Maybe I knew all along when I decided to name my next topic Let There Be Light. Then again maybe not.

This past Saturday morning at approximately 4:00 am my great-grandma Cosma J. Stewart passed away. She was my mother's father's mother. I use to see her a lot more when I was younger; but as the years have gone by I have drifted apart, not only with her, but with the rest of my family too. Welcome to adulthood I guess. I spent Monday arranging to get flowers for the funeral and also continuing my job hunt. Tuesday was the Wake (the open casket visitation).

I was fortunate to have someone go with me to the second Wake Tuesday evening. Someone I care very deeply about. I don't know if she wants her name out on here or not, but I will see and update later if necessary. I was a little worried because of the "very opinionated" family I have. Well, mainly my mother. But to the best of my awareness it appears as if everything went pretty smoothly. My mom behaved herself for the most part and I did not have to get in to it with her. No fighting, yes that's right, I spent almost 8 hours with my mom over Tuesday and Wednesday and there was no fighting between the both of us. What is the world coming too?

I knew that the rest of my family would get along fine with Karen. (Well...I decided to put her name in here, I guess if she wants it out I can.) especially my grandmother (my mother's mom), who when I told her about Karen the first thing she said is, "I love her already!" before they even met, my word's exactly ;) . Even though my grandmother was a little drugged up with pain killers from her foot surgery and having to walk around all day she didn't make to many mistakes of fumbling around. Although when someone did ask her if Karen was her daughter, my grandmother did respond something to the effect that she was not family yet. For which repeated to everyone in the room. I am not sure what Karen though of that and I know it made me feel a little awkward. And the fact that my mother did say that taking someone to a funeral and a wedding is a "big step", but I let that one go with her so as things might remain civil for awhile. Anyways, no more sad stuff. That was all done today after the burial.

Good news. There were some things that were bothering me in the back of my mind and for whatever reason finally came through on Saturday night (or in other people's time...crack-fiend early Sunday morning). That is why I had previously written the old topic which was removed the next morning. The post was written while I was half asleep and a little upset. I felt and still do feel really bad about what I had wrote, and hope that there is some way that I can make it up to the people I know that it effected. The good news, however, is that the things that were troubling me are laid to rest do to misunderstanding on my part and talking things through with the other appropriate people(s).

There should be another post by the end of this week as long as I find a job. If I don't find a job, all of my time will be dedicated to that seeing as I will be without work by the end of this week.

But I want to end this topic with a poem and a quote of which I know the right person will know who I am talking to. Someone who I am very lucky and fortunate to have in my life and I hope it remains that way for a long time.

"If I could find your face I would kiss you." -- ;)

Though you don't live next door,
though you're a ways away,
You're still here in my thoughts
every week, every day.

When events of the day
cause this soul to despair,
just the sound of your voice
makes them easy to bear.

When I don't have the luxury
of feeling your soft touch
or taking in your scent,
which I appreciate so much,

I need only look back
at the times we have had
to wonder if I've
any right to be sad.

You're truly a blessing.
I want you to know
that I care for you deeply,
wherever I go.

Next Topic: Anticivilazation At It's Finest

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Truth is Out There Neo

For those who really want to know the truth it is out there. If we all stepped back and looked and thought about it for a minute, the truth is not what we want to find. What we want to find is honesty. There is a difference between "truth" and "honesty". "Truth" is stating some of the facts which hold actual verifiable value; while "honesty" is the full verifiable values that constitute the outcomes of anything whether positive, negative, or undereducated those outcomes might be. Therefore, "honesty" is better than "truth" because it allows for the "complete story" no hidden-agendas (which is why the government tells the "truth", but yet they are not "honest" with us).

Consider today's politicization of health care, food diets, abortion, religion, education, the media, drugs, tobacco, law enforcement, criminal prosecution, immigration, and the environment. Decisions in those areas should have nothing to do with politics, but everything to do with objective reality. What irrational forces underlie the politicization of human action? Other things such as racism, sexism, and "gay rights" have also been made "political issues". These things should not be issues seeing as they are "nature's" and "man's" natural rights, processes, and choices. Only when we point out a difference in such things do they become issues. Only when people try to force others to feel one way or the other on these "newly developed issues", do these things become a "political tool" for popularity and self-esteem values. These are all things that have been around since existence. Existence is eternal. It has and always will be. So stop making such things "issues", political or not. These things are part of "man's nature" and will remain that way for ever.

Now that I have rambled on about more of my thoughts and beliefs let me dwell a little into my personal life.

Let's see. Currently, I am seeking employment and have realized that companies that are suppose to help you find employment don't really help you. The more time you spend with "bogus" job offers and "Make millions at home!" schemes that might actually work for 10% of the population, the farther and farther you get from your original goals and objectives. That is why I have come to the conclusion of finding a J.O.B. (Just Over Broke), that I will enjoy or at least can feel accomplishment in my work, for awhile. This way I can accomplish my goals and aspirations without further conflict. I plan to hopefully start college in the spring quarter. Unfortunately, due to several personal set backs and detours, I will be unable to start in the winter quarter like I had originally hoped for. But because I will have to be paying for my education 100% out of pocket up-front expense, I will have to put it off a little longer till I am a little more financially secure and able to invest the money into my education.

I also have come to the conclusion of some other important things in my life regarding other people. I have come to the conclusion that it is and always will be better to think with your head (logically) rather than with your heart (emotionally). The "emotional rollercoaster" one tends to put themselves through is detrimental to one's health and happiness. Every person I have ever met has had the same "ups and downs"; the same "wants", "needs", and "fears" that make them travel the wonderful rollercoaster. Although, the rollercoaster could be a good thing if it were more like a sky lift, reaching up ever towards the sky never-ending; but again, even sky lifts crash or break. And perhaps a fall from miles up would hurt a lot more than possibly only several hundred feet. What do you think? So, I have come to the conclusion that logic will rule my thoughts (as it always has) and over-ride my emotions. Thus protecting myself and possibly those around me. Or will this just turn me into a "cold-heartless-uncaring human being" who can never open up emotionally to anyone? Only time will tell.

Next Topic : Let There Be Light

To Be fraXure or Not To Be fraXure?

The following topic has been postponed to a date closer to the launching of fraXure on December 1st, 2005. The reason I have decided to post pone this topic is because I can. I have free will and can choose to do as I please.

Next Topic : The Truth is Out There Neo