Crying

The last time I have "allowed" myself to cry I was 12 years old. At the time in my life, everything I knew was destroyed. Everything I had gone. In a minutes, hours, a day, everything was completely different. Since then I was tired of crying. I was tired of "feeling" anything at all. I suppress all of my emotions and numb myself to the world and "reality". Until the past two days.

I can no longer hide how I feel. I can no longer think logically about things. I did not realize what was going on inside of me and what I was doing till I hit "rock bottom". The one time, more than any other time in my whole entire life, I did not know what to do. Someone poured there heart out to me, and I did not know what to say, what to do. I can not live with myself for what I did.

It is said that you don't know a good thing till it is gone. That is an under statement in this situation. I did not know the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life, till she was gone. I look now at what I did (or lack there of is more appropriate), and I wish with every ounce of being to change what happened. To allow myself to realize in the past, earlier, what I now realize and have ruined. This is why I should never ever have anything good in my life. I always ruin it. If there was anyway at all I could fix things and show how I absolutely terrible I feel, I would give up everything I own.

But it is too late for that. I have ruined everything. There is no point in anything. All I can do is cry. I have not cried since I was 12 years old. The only thing going through my head is you; and how different my life will be without you. I do not want to loose you. Why I could say this or show you before? I do not know. I can not keep on apologizing when I know it will not fix anything. All I can do, is try to move on. Try to hope for a second chance. Try to make things right. I do not think I will have another opportunity to justify and let you know the way I feel. That time has seem to come and pass.

I do not know what else to write. I do not know what to do. All I know is there is one thing I want more than anything in my life, that is you. When there is something you want more than anything you have ever wanted before, it is incredibly painful and hurtful to know you can't. I now know what how it must have made you feel when you told me the same things that I have said here. But yet all I did like the "fucking piece of shit I am" is nothing.

I do not know what will happen with anything. I do not know if I will on here anymore, if I will continue to exist as I am now. Only time will tell.

"If I could find your face I would kiss you. I would show you and tell you how I truly feel."

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